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Classic Nada: Young Poisoner’s Handbook

Posted by August 13th, 2003 No Comments »

Classic Nada – Young Poisoner’s Handbook
“Killing La Vida Loca”
By Jason Van Loo

This is the first installment of a monthly series dedicated to making this planet a better place. Each month I will target a cherished-by-some/hated-by-me celebrity for destruction. It’s kind of like MTV’s Celebrity Death Match, but the victims ain’t made of clay, their suffering will be worse and much more prolonged, and there will be no one else in the ring with them. That’s right, each month I will give you the prescription for getting rid of a popular celebrity in the most painful and, most importantly, untraceable way imaginable. I, of course, don’t actually recommend you go out and DO this… but I’m not physically stopping any of you psychopaths out there from performing society a favor, either. This month, I have decided to put my noggin to use and supply you, the reader, with the know-how to rid the planet of its favorite Puerto Rican superstar, Ricky Martin. Why Ricky Martin? That doesn’t really need to be asked, now does it?

I don’t want to go to jail for this “crime”. And you know, I don’t think any other Ricky Martin haters should have to go to jail for their “crime” either. The only way to do this and not get caught is to do it clean, and leave no trace. At the same time, though, we would really like to make him suffer. Quite a dilemma, or so one would think. Fact is, there are quite a few ways to do ol’ Ricky in, so no one knows.

The time has come for the unveiling of the chemical du mois. I figured the best thing would be to do something nice and natural for the Rickster, and kill him off with a healthy dose of saxitoxin, a chemical familiar to the Northwest as a consequence of the condition known as “red tide.” Seeing as the estimated lethal dose of this stuff in humans is 0.3 to 1 mg, and knowing that one single contaminated shellfish could contain up to 50 lethal doses, this should be simple for anyone to carry out. Better yet, this wonderful neurotoxin is colorless, odorless, and heat stable. If you’re gonna do things right, you should make sure that the lethal dose is cleverly veiled in the form of something other than a shellfish, (for example, you could make him some saxitoxin and lemon herb tea.) You wouldn’t want to make treatment or discovery easier for anyone, now would you?

What will Ricky experience as a consequence of his afternoon tea? Within 30 minutes he will develop a good case of the shits, with vomiting, nausea, and an interesting case of facial paralysis. Given a bit more time, (depending on how much saxitoxin you give him,) he would develop complete muscle paralysis and salivate uncontrollably, only to eventually die off from respiratory paralysis. Having not eaten any form of seafood that day, how will anyone suspect what killed him, let alone who administered the lethal dose? Your “crime” complete, you come back to pick up the remains of the dearly departed Mr. Martin’s room service afternoon snack, send the dishes to the dishwasher, and disappear into the sunset.

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