If you’re like me, and I know you are, the name Daniel Faulkner does not ring a bell. (No, he’s not William’s second-cousin.) Our ignorance in this matter is unfortunate, as Daniel Faulkner is a key figure in the most heated political issue of the day. Here’s a hint:

December 9, 1981; 3:55 A.M. Twenty-five year old Philadelphia cop Daniel Faulkner pulls over a light blue Volkswagen for driving the wrong way down a one-way street.

December 9, 1981; 4:52 A.M. Twenty-five year old Philadelphia cop Daniel Faulkner is pronounced dead, the victim of several gunshot wounds. Forensics reveal that Daniel Faulkner was shot once in the back from a range of less than 5 feet and once in the face from a range of less than 12 inches.

Are you getting warm yet? No? Survey says: Daniel Faulkner is the man who Mumia Abu-Jamal is accused of murdering. Of course you know all about Mumia. Everybody knows about Mumia. Everybody loves Mumia. His name just rolls off the tongue: Mumia. Mumia is so popular he is in the only-one-name-necessary category along with Madonna, Michael, and Manson.

Everybody loves Mumia because he is the victim of the racist American justice system, sentenced to death after a highly unfair trial. Jesse Jackson loves Mumia, comparing him to Nelson Mandela, (who as far as I know has never shot an already injured man in the face at point blank range). Oliver Stone loves Mumia, signing a full-page ad in the New York Times that claimed Mumia received the death sentence for his radical political beliefs, (Oliver also signed another petition, thankfully unpublished, that linked Mumia’s framing to the same military-industrial shadow government that killed JFK and implanted the remote control transponder in Oliver’s left testicle).

The students of Olympia, Washington’s Evergreen State College really really really love Mumia. They love Mumia so much that, in their infinite wisdom, they have selected Mumia as their 1999 graduation speaker. Unfortunately, death row inmates have severe restrictions placed upon their travel, so Mumia will appear via audiotape.

Now I’m no big-shot lawyer…wait a minute, yes I am…let me rephrase that, your honor…Now I’m no competent lawyer, so I can’t presume to make a definitive judgment on the legal merits of Mumia’s case. However, all evidence points to the fact that Mumia received a highly unfair trial, procedurally speaking. The Philadelphia judicial system, from beat cops to judges, has always been full of racist bastards who deserve to be shot. On the other hand, the actual physical and testimonial evidence makes it clear that Mumia did in fact shoot Daniel Faulkner in the back and then empty his pistol into Daniel Faulkner’s head as Daniel Faulkner lay on the ground bleeding.

Racism in the United State legal system is a pervasive, horrifying problem. Working to fix this travesty is admirable goal. But JIMINY-CHRISTMAS, JUMPIN’-JEHOSEPHAT, MOTHER OF SHIT…are you stupid fucking actors, hippies, lefties, jackasses so fucking ignorant that you don’t fucking realize that your fucking protests would be so much more effective if you were supporting an INNOCENT man instead of a motherfucking MURDERER?

Ummm…sorry. What I was trying to express was this: There are plenty of innocent people, black and white, sitting on death row in America. For tactical purposes, it may be more expedient to throw your money and time behind these victimized parties then behind a man who has never once denied murdering Daniel Faulkner.

In any event the following is a handy reference list, suitable for framing, of Reasons To Not Have A Murderer As Your State College Commencement Speaker:

It is a slap in the face to the murderer’s victims family. Are your politics really important enough to celebrate the murder of Maureen Faulkner’s husband?

It denies you the opportunity to hear an inspiring message from Governor Gary Locke. Wait, maybe that goes on the other list.

It is offensive to the vast majority of friends and family of the graduates, who are gathering to celebrate a great personal achievement. College graduation happens once, and you have successfully ruined it for most of your classmates. Congratulations.

It will force your humble author to spend his upcoming New Jersey vacation unsuccessfully defending against the following argument from his in-laws: "The Northwest contains nothing but horrible people doing horrible things".

An Infoseek search for "Daniel Faulkner" returned 297 sites, many of which related to William Faulkner. An Infoseek search for "Mumia Abu-Jamal" returned 5,480 sites. As someone once said, "Horrible". (0) Comments