Disclaimer:

The penultimate sentence of the above article lacks both my authorship and approval. While I am guilty of basing the entire piece upon a flimsy bit of unauthorized plagiarism, and my usual lack of regard for deadlines prevented NadaMucho from asking me for a rewrite, three wrongs don't make a left.

The fucking sentence in question is even awkwardly constructed, with a glaring typo in Ms. Henkensiefken's name - which I learned and practiced diligently over the last year.

While I don't feel that I'm anywhere close to the level of proficiency I seek as a writer, having exchanged a formal education for a handful of magic beans and a hot girlfriend back in 1990, and although I certainly welcome any and all editorial efforts to fit my crappy scribblings into the confines of "journalism", two facts remain...

1. Jamie wouldn't stop talking to me over a booking failure.

2. I never failed to book a show. Hellgate was offered another opportunity while I waited to hear back from someone, and they took it.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to point out that David and Ben are often sternly rocking out when they're onstage, while I've noticed Marie making an occasional goofy face. I purposely used the word "endearingly" to jab at David's machismo, and I need to apologize publicly for that. Ben remains utterly adorable in any context.

Thank you for allowing me these ego-driven words on my own behalf. Come to the High Dive tonight and rock the hell out.

All my love and half my whiskey,
Matt

That's cool, Mike, but do you have any pictures of Katy Rose rocking out on top of a huge cell phone? That's some far-out shit!

No, you've got your Matts mixed. Matt A. IS a female lesbian robot, as opposed to a male lesbian robot, which would be Joe Vallejos. Matt B. loves all female robots, lesbian and otherwise, except for Matt A., who indiscriminately insults the very people he encourages Matt B. to send over to this website. Bad robot!

To clarify the issue for those curious enough to click on the link but too fucking lazy to read the photo captions thoughtfully printed underneath the pictures, the young lady with the shockingly red hair is Emilie Marchand. Anyone fortunate enough to hear her sing or engage her in conversation knows damned good and well that she possesses sex appeal to burn. Ain't a thing wrong with Emilie. However, Mona Chambers is a Goddess with a capital Gee. Just my personal taste, which is impeccable when it comes to delicious young women, human and robot alike.

In closing, I'd like to add that if some fuckwad spam artist is gonna start a thread, I'll do whatever the hell I want with it. And then eat them.

Wanna cuddle, munjumba? I hear Adam's having a party.

Well, hell... I guess I can't argue with that. Rock on, Sean.

So there.

Only if I were to write a review of the new Nowhere Man album...

And even then, only metaphorically. You, however, tongue more bung than William Hung. Beeyotch!

www.tucsonunderground.com/music/musicians/fashionistas

Mmmmmm... Mona Chambers! There's just something about a girl with a cello that makes my mouth water.

Good man. Tell Snizz to stop his fantasizing... it's just jokes, baby!

Seriously, the real reason I'm still down here has a lot to do with this advance CD I'm listening to right now...

My last column (before my lengthy hibaticus from reppin' the Tucson scene - I needed some time off to really get to know this place... ) dealt with Vikas Pawa and his recent credentials as producer and performer. His solo project, Nowhere Man, has now expanded into a full band (recently pared down from five musicians to four with the eastward departure of lead guitarist Merritt Jacob - look out, Connecticut!) and is currently on the verge of releasing an album I hesitate to share my opinion of. It's so embarrassing to gush...

Realizing that music is almost impossibly personal and subjective, I'll be sending a copy to Ashworth to dissect (and destroy, if necessary.) If this album, to be released later this month under the title Love Asphyxia, sucks, I desperately need to know the reason why. This sounds like some extremely cool shit to me. I'm gonna put my nards on the line and say that it'll play well up in Kent, WA.

Check out www.ilikered.com for MP3s of previous Nowhere Man material...

Oops...

Boy, am I glad I went! I've been looking around for a second job (to help me pay for such summer frivolities as "food" and "air conditioning",) so when one of the directors I was interviewing offered me a gig as a "fluffer", I immediately accepted. I have no idea what a "fluffer" does, but I assume that I'll be making beds, plumping the pillows, etc. between scenes. The director did mention that I'll be working primarily on the gay male porn films, but I'm cool with that. It's not like I'm gonna be participating or anything...

I just got the following post from Tucson Underground's "Monsoon" mailing list...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----> The Monsoon List - TucsonUnderground
<--------------------------------------

    Event:     "A Midsummer Night's Wet Dream: Homegrown Hardcore XXX Cinema"
    When:     7/30/2004
    Time:     8 pm to 10 pm
    Where:     Screening Room
              E. Congress
              Tucson
    Cost:     $6 for the screening, $5 cover for the after party

----> Event Description
<---------------------------------------------------------

This is Homegrown Hardcore XXX Cinema! The Screening Room will be
showing clips of various porn
videos produced by local companies and have a Q&A with both the
producers/directors as well as the
actors. There's also a sexy raffle, featuring a Dinner Date with an
Escort!

Party afterwards at Vaudeville featuring live music from Mankind,
Cuntifiers and Sukison Go! Here's
your chance to mingle with local pornographers and porn stars.

----> Venue Info
<----------------------------------------------------------------

Screening Room
E. Congress
Tucson
You must be be 18+ to attend the screening.
You have to be 21+ to go to the afterparty at Vaudeville.

----> Additional Info
<-----------------------------------------------------------

The event benifits the sex worker arts festival.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I already have two shows I'm planning to attend that evening (Nowhere Man and Lovemound at the Surly Wench and Whiskey Bitch at 7 Black Cats) but damn! How do you pass up the chance to mingle with local porn stars!?! Damn, I say!

Choose me, choose me!!!