Odes to Onanism (Or, “Songs about Jerkin’ It”)
The bestest songs ever about masturbation
By Paul Broderson
I love masturbating.
I masturbate at home. I masturbate at work. I masturbate in the car.
I jerk off to porn, to imagined fantasies, and memories of past lovers. I whack one out in the morning, afternoon and evening. When I’m lucky, I stroke it with a female companion right by my side. When I’m extra lucky, she’s gratifying herself at the same time.
Before you condemn me as a foul, twisted pervert, allow me to enlist the support of the popular music community, a group that undoubtedly shares my love of the fine art of self-stimulation. In fact, there are so many songs about masturbation that it took Nada Mucho’s crack team of researchers more than a month to compile them all. Once they did, our editors spent another month reacquainting ourselves with each of the old favorites and making sure we gave the new ones a fair “shake”, if you will. The result?
Nada Mucho Presents: The 12 Greatest Songs Ever About Masturbation!
12) “Praying Hands” – Devo
If the following lyrics (which comprise the entire song) aren’t pure poetry in motion then, well then you’re reading the wrong fuckin’ list, pal.
“you got your left hand
you got your right hand
the left hand’s diddling
while the right hand goes to work
you got both hands
you got praying hands
they pray for no man
assume the position
go into doggie submission”
11) “Holiday Song” ““ The Pixies
Whether or not to include “Holiday Song” on this list generated two weeks of intense disagreement in the Nada Mucho newsroom. Since I voted to include it, and I’m the Editor in Chief, here it is. “He took his sister from his bed and he painted her on the sheets/this ain’t no holiday/cause it always turns out this way/here I am with my hand.” If it isn’t about masturbation it should be, and it’s a great song to boot. So there.
10) “She Bop” – Cyndi Lauper
The only reason this got played on mid-80s top 40 stations is lines like “I wanna go south n’ get me some more” were so slurred that nice moms across the country just thought that crazy Cyndi was talking nonsense. Oh that Cyndi. She’s so unusual. Yum.
9) “Turning Japanese” – The Vapors
“Turning Japanese” apparently refers to the dude’s tendency to squint his eyes when he shoots a hot load. Racism is sooo sexy.
8) “Vibrator Dependent” – Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper
Poor, poor Mojo. His woman done got addicted to them fancy battery-operated dildos and now he ain’t gettin’ no love. Sad, isn’t it? And who would have guessed Mojo Nixon would be so knowledgeable in the field of sexual science? After all, according to researchers, the clitoris can be stimulated by sound and vibration as well as by touch. So when Mojo jokes that he’s “Gonna have to, gonna have to, make a little noise”, he’s really on to something!
7) “Icicle” – Tori Amos
Tori bangs herself until she comes during Sunday mass. Enough said.
6) “My Ding-a-Ling” ““ Chuck Berry
Please play with it. I want you to.
5) “When I think about you I Touch Myself” – The Divinyls
Parenthetical title for this 1989 Divinyls Hit? “(Congratulations, you’ve made my masturbatory “˜rotation!’)” I don’t think the Divinyls meant this sentiment in reference to every reasonably attractive woman I’ve met since age 14, but hey”¦.
4) “Orgasm Addict” – Buzzcocks
Shameless, dirty and frighteningly autobiographical for a good portion of the Nada Mucho staff, this upbeat punk song from the originators of power pop is an absolute classic.
3) “Do it one Time for Me” – The Reverend Horton Heat
The Good Rev gets extra points for the authoritative tone of this song’s chorus: “C’mon and do it/Do it/Do one time for me/C’mon and do it/Do it/Do it so I can see.” If you’ve never fantasized about making a sexual partner masturbate for you, then you have not truly lived.
2) “Dancin’ with Myself” – Billy Idol
“Dancing with myself is the Feel Good Masturbatory Hit of the Millennium. Billy is proud and excited to be dancing with himself. (“˜ oh oh-oh.’) This is my favorite song about jerking off. Hands down.” ““ Mark Watters, Nada Mucho web designer.
The staff at Nada Mucho can assure you that Web Designer Mark Watters is no stranger to masturbation. And he’s right on target with his quote about “Dancing with Myself”, perhaps the happiest, most celebratory masturbation song ever.
1) “Blister in the Sun” – The Violent Femmes
“Blister in the Sun” is the most well known contemporary masturbation song. Every person currently between the ages of 18 and 35 will recognize it. Less than half of them have listened to the lyrics carefully enough to realize what it’s about. That and the fact that the song continues to kick ass after the 805,000 listen, make it a clear-cut number one.
“Picture’s of Lily” – The Who; “Teenage Kicks” – The Undertones; “Doin’ Laundry” – Nerf Herder; “Longview” – Green Day; “Mystery Dance” – Elvis Costello; “Doing My Own Thing” – The Goat Family; “I’m Jacking My Dong Now” – The Goat Family; “Severed Lips” – Dinosaur Jr.; “Rosie” – Jackson Browne; “Holy Muscle of Love” – Alice Cooper; “The Stroke” – Billy Squier; “I’m Honing My Bone Y’all” ““ The Doberman Bitches?; “The Perfect Kiss” – New Order; “Close To Me” – The Cure; “Everyday I Die” – Tubeway Army; “Masturbation Generation” – Boys Next Door; “Pump It Up” – Elvis Costello; “St. Swithin’s Day” – Billy Bragg; “Be My Girl (Sally)” ““ The Police; “Been Caught Wankin'” – TISM; “In Every Dream Home A Heartache” – Roxy Music; “Self Abuser” – Fauves; “The Girls Of Porn” – Mr. Bungle; “Be Still My Beating Off” – Frenzal Rhomb; “Seether” – Veruca Salt; “Thinking About You” ““ Radiohead; “Darling Nikki” – Prince; “Jizzlobber” – Faith No More; “Smut” – Skyhooks; “M & M’s” – Blink 182; “Mister Richard Smoker” – Ween; “Fire Water Burn” – Bloodhound Gang; “You Sound Like Louis Burdett” – The Whitlams; “Homemade” – Sebadoh; “Sex Aids” – Outline; “Strokin'” ““ Clarence Carter; “I’m Bored” ““ Iggy Pop; “Pink Thing” – XTC; “Unglued” – Stone Temple Pilots; “The Boys Light Up” ““ Australian Crawl; “Pornos for Pyros” ““ Porno For Pyros; “God Bless the USA” ““ Lee Greenwood.
(Editor’s Note: This list chronicles the top songs about masturbation. Songs that inspire masturbation and/or are excellent accompaniment to masturbation were not considered, but may be in a future Nada Mucho feature.)