One of our favorite staffers, Sean Oliver, talks about stuff. Lots of stuff.
Ramble On – May 2003
By Sean Oliver
I know it’s been awhile since I last wrote a column. Or wrote anything for that matter. You probably think I owe you an explanation, so here’s a handy formula to explain my absence: Diet Pills + Alcohol + Nicotine = Nutrition = Anxiety (AKA “Oh God! My face is melting. Won’t somebody please help me?!”)
For a second there I thought we were gonna have to do a cheesy “best of” installment like on The Simpsons. I even read through my old columns several times to see which blurbs I’d pick, which mostly just reminded me how fucking smart and funny I am.
So here I am, and first off I’d like to know if anyone out there can tell me why I have more trouble keeping my pants up the fatter I get? I don’t understand.
File under “Things I Have Yet to Hear”: “Man, I could really go for a big glass of Clamato.”
Recently I’ve been struggling with a chest cold. This terrible ordeal taught me that it’s very hard to take a piss while coughing. So to all my friends and fellow Nada staffers, I’m truly sorry about your floors.
Is there anything more entertaining than constantly reminding people that TATU is teenage lesbians every time mention of the Russian group comes up? In fact, please make a point to only refer to them as a “Lesbian Teen-Pop Duo” or with the more general title of “Hot Young Russian Lesbians.”
I have always been particularly proud of my enormous testicles. However, the other day I realized that my nuts, though immense and glorious, are just making their upstairs neighbor look more like a midget. And he doesn’t need any help looking smaller. Dammit!
What’s the official word on how many times you can tell your spouse not to let her mother-in-law, sister, brother-in-law and nephews come for the weekend because there’s a rock show you wanna see? Anyone know?
I’ve listened to “Pass the Dutchie” five times today.
I also like Fischerspooner’s “Emerge,” although I suspect it makes me queer. But I still like it. I’m biting my lip to it right now. Yeah, even though it makes me queer.
These days hair on my head is much shorter than the hair on my nipples. Is that normal? I mean, I could probably floss my teeth with that stuff.
Thank god this war thing is over. Although, it’s the things surrounding the war that upset me more than the war itself. I never want to hear another celebrity voice their political opinion again. Who cares what they say? If these fucking people keep it up, I’m gonna be taking a whole bottle of Effexor each day instead of just 40 mg. The world is driving me insane.
Jay Z and DMX have both announced their next album will be their last. I predict this becomes a trend in hip-hop that quickly progresses to the point where would-be MCs start announcing their retirement before their first album is released.
I never read The Lord of The Rings trilogy, but I have watched both movies pretty closely, so I think I understand what’s going on pretty well. Frodo and Sam are gay right?