Gabe Baker, Senior Editor
Who is Gabe Baker?
Gabe Baker is a person. A human person. A human person with feelings. Gabe Baker is a caring nurturer. When you cut Gabe Baker, Gabe Baker bleeds.
Does Gabe Baker have any distinctive markings?
Yes, Gabe Baker does in fact have two distinctive markings. Gabe Baker can be recognized by his very special feet and fingers. Gabe Baker’s feet are perfectly round. If you stuck a compass into the exact center of Gabe Baker’s foot, you could trace a perfect circle around Gabe Baker’s foot. Gabe Baker has a very difficult time purchasing shoes. Gabe Baker wobbles.
Gabe Baker’s fingers are also easily recognizable. If you are looking at fingers and they appear to be plump, delicious sausages, there is a very good chance that you are looking at Gabe Baker’s fingers. Gabe Baker’s fingers are approximately the same length as the average 14 year old girl’s fingers. However, Gabe Baker’s fingers are approximately three times the circumference of the aforementioned girl fingers. Gabe Baker has a difficult time gripping smooth, round objects. For example, Gabe Baker will often be enjoying a drink at a local watering hole, when for no apparent reason he will drop his beverage onto the floor. Gabe Baker tries to make light of the situation, staring heatedly at the broken glass and shouting, “I hate you Mr. Glass!” Gabe Baker only does that to hide his shame.