Nada Mucho

Stuff I Hate – May 2003

Posted by August 7th, 2003 No Comments »

By Joe Vallejos, Sr. Reporter

For quite a while now, Nada Mucho Czar Matt Ashworth has asked me to dust off my plume and write something.

Matt’s been fortunate enough to have spent a good deal of time in my unruly presence. Enough to know that I hate A LOT of stuff. Enough to know that for much of my thirty years. this hatred has festered beneath the surface, only to reveal itself in short bursts of vitriol directed at the Music Television, during heated, drunken debate with our fellow pop-culture savants, or within my infrequent contributions to Nada on nonstop criticism thereof.

Apparently, Matt finds this amusing.

So to get me back on track, he suggested I write a monthly column that would allow me to express my displeasures while simultaneously entertaining the fair readers of Nada Mucho.

Secretly, I’m sure Dr. Ashworth intends this as catharsis for me, designed to add years to my life and contribute to my overall well-being. Which he’s probably right about.

Stuff I Hate
March 2003
By Joe Vallejos, Sr. Reporter

For quite a while now, Nada Mucho Czar Matt Ashworth has asked me to dust off my plume and write something.

Matt’s been fortunate enough to have spent a good deal of time in my unruly presence. Enough to know that I hate A LOT of stuff. Enough to know that for much of my thirty years. this hatred has festered beneath the surface, only to reveal itself in short bursts of vitriol directed at the Music Television, during heated, drunken debate with our fellow pop-culture savants, or within my infrequent contributions to Nada on nonstop criticism thereof.

Apparently, Matt finds this amusing.

So to get me back on track, he suggested I write a monthly column that would allow me to express my displeasures while simultaneously entertaining the fair readers of Nada Mucho.

Secretly, I’m sure Dr. Ashworth intends this as catharsis for me, designed to add years to my life and contribute to my overall well-being. Which he’s probably right about.

Since I can’t afford expensive therapy and my current path is bound to leave me nothing more than a huddled mass in the corner sobbing my eyes out, I figured I might as well. Lord knows he could use some decent content to post amongst the drivel I see plaguing the pages of Nada these days.

Here, then, is the first installment of Stuff I hate.

The Handicapped
Before you start sending out those angry hate mails, allow me to clarify. I don’t hate handicapped people in general. It’s just that I’m in the parking industry (as exciting as it sounds), and I hate that handicapped people tend to think they can park anywhere for free whenever they want. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Handicapped individuals are only allowed to park at city meters and in timed zones (i.e. two-hour zones for as long as they wish.) When I relay this to people, they always think I’m lying and I’m helping to perpetuate prejudice against the disabled. Untrue. The advantage afforded by a disabled permit allows an individual to park in stalls closest to the building, not free of charge. We’re just following the stringent ADA requirements set forth, so pay up, rejects.

Driving in Traffic
Here in Seattle, we have legendarily bad traffic. It’s not made any better by rude, inconsiderate drivers. Here’s a little tip for you all, free of charge: when someone is trying to enter traffic from a busy freeway on ramp, if we all let one person in, things will go much smoother. And if you’re the person coming into traffic, wave to the person that let you in. If that’s too much to ask, try public transportation, where you can sit in silent disgust as the transient next to you vomits on the floor. We’re living in a society here folks, and that requires you be somewhat socialized.

Fancy Mustard
My love of mustard is without question. French’s Yellow. That’s all I ask. I can’t tell you how many restaurants I go to where I order a burger and they smear some ugly, puke colored Dijon on my bun. You ask for some regular mustard and they look at you like you’re bat-shit crazy. Why? Most often, it’s because these restaurants are trying to be something they are not. If you have regular ketchup at your restaurant, why can’t you have regular mustard? It’s a hamburger people, not braised lamb. Let’s keep some perspective and a bottle of French’s Yellow on hand.

Taxes
I know I’m certainly not alone on this one, but I’ve got to get it off my chest. I’m a hard working fella with an equally hard working wife. We do OK, but by no means are we rich. I haven’t got a return on my taxes in years. Change your deduction, you say? Already getting as much taken as possible. Put more in your 401K? Didn’t help a bit. Buy a house, you say? Did last year, but to no avail. (Turns out you have to pay for houses now, not in 30 years.) So I’m told by the helpful staff at H & R Block to have children. I don’t have any yet, but I’m pretty sure they need to eat and stuff. How’s that gonna help me get something extra out of my taxes?

Work Lingo
I’ve had to sit in more than one presentation where words or phrases like “synergy,” “dynamic,” or “run this up the flag pole” have been uttered. To use a Simpsons quote, these are words that stupid people use to sound intelligent. So, “throw this on the wall and see if it sticks,” how about I “brainstorm” about sticking that flagpole straight up your ass. Say what you mean, people. You’re still gonna be a jackass, but at least you might not sound like one.


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