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Staff Bio: Matt Ashworth

Posted by June 20th, 1997 No Comments »


Q: Who is Matt Ashworth?

A: Matt is a megalomaniacal dictator who makes life miserable for everyone on his staff. His complete lack of any sense of humor make him a very unpopular man. Matt suffers from an unrealistic sense of self-worth, characterized by blatant arrogance and delusions of grandeur.

Q: What accomplishment is Matt most proud of?

A: Matt took 10th place in Yakima County Elk’s Spelling Bee in 5th grade. After successfully spelling “naive” and “resuscitate,” he misspelled the word “furnous.”

Q: What is Matt’s favorite Fleetwood Mac song?

A: “The Chain”

Q: How can I get to know Matt Ashworth?

A: Matt is a very introverted, closed person. To break through Matt’s thick outer shell, it takes patience, determination, and understanding. A good way to start is by sending Matt fanmail, buying him drinks, or giving him sexual favors.

Q: Why would I want to get to know Matt Ashworth?

A: You probably wouldn’t.

Q: If I had to choose between a) spending an hour with Matt Ashworth or b) participating in an Amway convention, which would be more interesting?

A: Amway has some pretty good products, folks.

Q: If one Matt Ashworth were to leave Boston at 4:30 p.m. heading west and traveling at a rate of 14 miles per hour, while a second Matt Ashworth were to leave Boston at 3 p.m. at a rate of 27 MPH, at which point would the second Matt Ashworth overtake the first one?

A: Somewhere near Gary, Indiana.

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