The Golden Girls: The Complete First Season
By Dan Lurie
Fantasies can come in all shapes and sizes, and in some cases, ages. While young men across this great nation might claim that Kathy Ireland was their first obsession, they would be lying. Everyone knows that, when it comes to cream dreams for Generation X’ers, the ultimate provider was none other than Rue McClanahan, a.k.a. Blanche Devereaux, a.k.a. the Golden Girl who mounted more men than Evel Kenievel mounted motorbikes. Thank you for being a friend, indeed. There weren’t any cobwebs in this elderly woman’s root cellar.
In an entertainment industry where sex sells, the Golden Girls took things to the extreme. Graphic scenes of Estelle Getty sporting a flowing muumuu from chin to toe might seem more appropriate for late night Cinemax programming, but this was basic antenna television. The year was 1985, and the Golden Girls were out to prove that old people have sex, and you, the viewer, were going to like it.
Obviously, a show built upon the premise of four decrepit windbags living in the same house has plenty of potential, especially if the wrinklies are all single. While Blanche was the most vocal about the fire between her legs, she wasn’t the only hag in the house out to get some. Take for example the character of Dorothy, played by a handsome and gangly Bea Arthur. Dorothy had a hot bod, but opted to hide it behind an unflattering wardrobe. Her clothes sagged like the pendulous breasts of a Pintupi tribeswoman. Acres of cloth dipped and dangled, covering her body like a Costco potato sack. The tightest fitting clothes she owned were actually her pajamas. In fact, when Dorothy put on her PJs, it was the only time we didn’t think she was going to sleep. But while Dorothy’s questionable wardrobe was relatively effective in concealing her finer physical features, there were plenty of curious men in this first season who pulled back the curtain for a closer look.
On the other end of the spectrum is Rose, played by Betty White. She had more of that “old woman next door” look to her. Guys really dig that, but she didn’t seem so eager to put out. It took a special kind of man to set her toaster oven on broil. For instance, she seemed to really be into midgets. I guess it was kind of a fetish thing. But hey, if you’re a little person, you could certainly do a lot worse than the ravishing Rose.
Finally, there’s Sophia. Estelle Getty played the part of Dorothy’s foul-mouthed mother. This little pocket rocket had a tongue that slung more mud than the back wheel of a mountain bike. Sophia’s character was a bit older, and beyond her sexual prime. If she laid out on her back it usually meant she had some sort of illness, not a hankering for aged salami. At least she kept wearing those sexy muumuus.
With the complete first season now available on DVD, these old maids seem hotter than ever. So before you waste another weekend out on the town with people your own age, lock yourself in your apartment, pull the blinds down, and let these Golden Girls get all up in your business. You won’t be disappointed. – (9/10)
- Take the Lifetime TV quiz to find out which Golden Girl you are
- Learn more about the secret life of Bea Aurthur